Quicker than I would like. Quicker than I really imagined.
I have had some redness on my side for a few months. It is in the area where I have had major surgery, a 12 inch scar, 4 drains and then the latest thoracentesis. It was hard to know what the redness was from. When the doc had looked at it in the past, he mentioned it could be cancer or an infection, so we just kept an eye on it. Friday we did a biopsy. We waited through the weekend, waited Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and finally Thursday had confirmation that the cancer is in the skin. While there is cancer in plenty of other places, it is still very frustrating to have it still growing, moving and showing up in new places. It is common for cancer cells to show in surgical sites. The cancer cells get new means of transportation and blood supplies change or even travel through the surgical site like tubes. However it got there, I have individual cancer cells in the area. Not a tumor, but just cells — which is good. It we get to a tumor of cells, we would radiate that area.
So, here is where things change. Because cancer is still growing/spreading despite being on Xeloda, it kinda means that Xeloda isn’t working. Ugh! I had read several good testimonies about that drug and since it had “mild” side effects and the convenience of a pill, I really wanted it to be the one we stuck with. But after 2 cycles, we are already moving on. The next drug is Eribulin. It will be given intravenously, so back to typical chemo days. Side effects really vary so I am unsure what to expect. Fatigue, low blood counts, possible hair loss…. it goes on. The really discouraging news is that the more drugs I take unsuccessfully, the less chance the next drug will work.
It is just a dance. The diagnosis of stage IV, the prognosis of my time left, but I feel good and life keeps going. Then randomly through the day or week, I am reminded of what I am really staring at. A disease that is not understood by anyone. A disease that will keep me on toxic drugs for the rest of my life. I am in distress of what I can do on my own to help my body. Diet change? Med change? Doctor change? Eat this, don’t eat this? This vitamin. This oil. It is so overwhelming for a girl who likes her chocolate and Mighty Fine. I am in prayer for some insight or direction in these decisions.
Despite reality, I am so blessed by friends near and far. Friends who bring me food without notice. Friends who will sit and cry with me and sit and laugh with me. I have thousands of people who follow my posts and hopefully are drawn toward God through my struggles. Friends who pray because they can’t be by my side. Family who loves me. Who desperately prays for my healing. A church filled with love and compassion. I could go on…
Through this last week and my questions of why and what is the point in God’s plan… a new perspective was brought to my attention. Instead of the mindset that God is involved in this cancer journey, that he is making the decisions yes or no, that he is allowing all this to happen for some “reason”… what if He is just present? What if cancer is cancer because if this sinful world? What if my body is dying because that is what it does? Maybe I am just fighting against this world and not against God’s “no’s”. I like the visual of God walking beside me. Fully knowing what is going on and what is to happen, but simply being present. Offering His grace, His peace, His never changing love as I suffer and struggle.
Psalm 46: God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble…Though the earth give way, mountains quake, God is within her…God will help her at break of day…THE LORD ALMIGHTY IS WITH US.
Psalm 121: I lift my eyes to the hills…My help comes from the Lord…he who watches over you will not slumber…the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
For now it does my soul good to just see God as my strength, my protector, always present. He may not prevent all the bad things from happening though He is fully capable. He never wanted them to happen. He never created the earth to be this way. Its sin. Let’s hate sin. And lets rejoice in the freedom we have from this sin in Jesus Christ. Let’s rejoice that even though our bodies wither and die, we are promised eternal glory if we only BELIEVE. I don’t want you to only hurt for us, and continue to follow us because of the sadness and drama of our story. If my story can do anything, it can bring any of you to the Savior.
“If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Done and done. That’s it. That is all you have to do. For God has done the rest.
Julie, what a testimony you have. I can’t tell you enough that your faith is awe-inspiring to me! That same faith and love you have for Jesus is so awesome, because I know it would still be there even if you didn’t have cancer! You are allowing your personal struggle to bring His power and love and awesomeness to everyone who is following your story, and their friends, and their friends…and people who will never meet you! God will continue to use your story to reach others because you have opened up your heart and your soul and even embraced Him doing so!
Romans 8:28…in all things (even the ugly, the scary, the unfair, the heart breaking moments) He works good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Love and prayer to you and your precious family. Stay strong, continue to lean into your savior and be the beautiful person you are!! P.S. Lindsey wanted to tell Alyssa hello and she is praying for her (and you!)
Why am I crying, I believe every word you have spoken. You have incredible clarity of thought and your ability to explain and report are truly a gift. You have received great insight, Julie, and I think I must thank you for helping me to finally understand. The sin of this world truly is baked into the bread.
How perceptive of you to both remember and remind, each of us is dying, each of us is on a journey. God alone is the keeper of our tomorrows. It is not for us to understand. It is for us to trust…and pray.
Mike and I continue to earnestly petition God to manage this Cancer, and again I do praise you for radically glorifying our precious redeemer. Thank you for permitting us to travel alongside you and to receive the truth that He is giving you on this journey.
When we all get to Heaven …what a day of rejoicing that will be!!
Hey there, still praying for you every night. The new drug sounds stronger and may be just what you need. Stay strong and keep fighting. So encouraged and inspired by you old friend! Love you!
Hi Julie,
I know your parents from Sugar Grove. You don’t know me but you have touched my heart so deeply. We have all been praying for you at the Rathjen house. Every word you wrote is so true!! God bless you and I am so thankful for your words.
Julie, Thank you for Blessing us with your witness. You truly Honor God. Praying for you daily.
Dearest Julie, Thank you for this. You are a word from God to me this morning as I grieve the unexpected death of a beloved brother. I needed this reminder of God’s presence and I needed it in just the way you expressed it. I am praying you sense His presence constantly.
I am saddened. You are such a fighter.. I’m saddened but made glad in you faith, strength, courage, determination. I’m an old friend of your Mom’s & Dad’s. Was there when you were born & as we’ve reconnected, their journey has become mine. I find myself in awe of you, Ethan & your folks, Julie. My prayer is that God zap you with total healing but I will say He has used your disease to create in all of us a new faith, a new hope, a new attitude …. Julie, I too, do not believe that our God causes cancer or actually any of the evils of this world. I believe we live in a fallen world & because we do there we have these evil things … I do believe He cares, He cries, He walks with us, He carries us …….. I believe what you have done for God through your illness is more than most people ever do in 80 years or more years of living. I continue to pray healing for you, Julie, I’m grateful for you & your family, your Mom & Dad. I’m grateful that God holds you close. All of you. What a pleasure you are………
hey darlin!! Loved your rappin video the other night on fb. Prayers continue in the Howell family!!! Love you!
We were headed from church this morning when I checked your blog as I do daily. Your message today is far more powerful…thank you for continuing to share your journey or courage and faith. My prayers for you and your family will continue in abundance. Keep fighting my friend!
Precious beloved daughter of the Most High God, stand strong with the belt of truth buckled and the breastplate of righteousness in place. He will show you more and more his truth for your situation. You are in right standing with HIM and every promise of this great Christ given inheritance is yours, especially health. Keep cutting out to HIM and he will continue to come to your rescue. Don’t friend on yourself, your strength, your works, your faith. Surrender and friend on HIM more and more allowing HIM to work on your behalf. Choose life, Jesus is your strength, the author and finished of your faith. May you rest in HIM and see HIM manifest HIS love through a complete healing of your body. He wants to see you
Oops, my finger slipped and posted before I edited….Keep calling out to out Lord, He loves you so much and wants to see you walking victoriously right now! Keep casting your cares for he perfects what concerns us. Trust HIM and HIS goodness toward you. Abide and rest this day in your sweet Jesus. Many are interceding on your behalf do you can rest and receive from HIM. Take His gift of righteousness, knowing you are a favored, blessed and loved daughter in Christ called to carry out a mighty purpose on this earth. HIS promise of health is yes and amen in Christ. Keep asking HIM to help you trust and rest in the midst of the physical attack. May HIS peace that passes all understanding guard your heart. Strength and dignity are your clothing, you rejoice in the future! Your position is secure in Christ! He will turn this all for your good. HIS plan is to prosper you and to give you a hope and a future. Rest in your great inheritance. In HIS love…
Julie, your eloquence is stating the truth is a powerful message to us all! God, our Father, is present at all moments in our lives, whether good or not so good moments surround us. Our prayers for your healing and your continued blessings are ever present. Sending continued love to you all!
Julie, what a powerful faith filled message! You bless me with your words of trust! This is what we are created to do…glorify Him no matter what!!
God is glorified through your struggle, precious girl. He is ever present, always caring. He is using you, no doubt. Because I cannot be physically by your side, I pray and pray and pray.
Julie, I will continue to pray for you as often as I think of you. that message you shared is wonderful. Love those thoughts. I hate sin. I hate that it’s a consequence of living here in this beautiful earth God made for us. Believers and non believers get to enjoy. All are affected by sin. You clearly win sins battle. Perspective is hard to keep in focus. You, however scream God’s mercy through your words. I admire you. And I plead with God to let you stay here with your sweet family as long as possible.
Dear Julie,
I believe that God has chosen you as his messenger to deepen our faith in him. Forever grateful,
Jutta
Hi Julie. I attend church with your parents. I love them dearly and we are praying for all of you. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Dear Julie I am so sorry you are having to go thru this horrible fight with cancer. I pray for you and your family. God is in control of the situation like you dont know that already you are so strong in your faith. If you have anything for sale to help financially let me know please. I wish I lived closer to visit with you and your girls. Time is precious and I know you are making the most of it with your family and extended family. I asked God to heal you and that his will be done in your life. Then I sometimes ask why is Julie having to go thru this. But going thru something like this in life only makes you a stronger person. Gods Blessings upon you and your family keep the posts coming.
What an incredible perspective to have Julie, especially in light of this latest news. I think I like the way you are approaching it, as I can absolutely imagine how easy it would be to rail against the “unfairness” of it all and beg the question “why” to no avail. I certainly feel like for those of following your journey (or at least for me personally) it is very easy to feel bitter and hostile about just how truly unjust this all is for you and for your family. But at the end of the day, as you said, God is by your side. You radiate his love and guidance in your strength and bravery. The power of your faith leaps off of the page for all of us reading. Two sets of footprints in the sand except for the times he has carried you. Thinking of you daily.
Healing Words (Proverbs 4:20 MSG)
Listen carefully, My dear child, to everything that I teach you, and pay attention to all that I have to say. Fill your thoughts with My words until they penetrate deep into your spirit. Then as you unwrap My words, they will impart true life and radiant health into the very core of your being. So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your inner most being, for from there flows the wellspring of LIFE…
Safe and Secure (Psalm 91:14-16 MSG)
“If you’ll hold on to Me for dear life, “says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust Me. Call Me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long drink of salvation!”
Keep your eyes on all Jesus has done for you through His life, death and resurrection sweet sister in Christ. He has given you divine health and authority to take hold of this inheritance in Christ. You are His beloved with whom He is well pleased.
The Secret Plan of God (Ephesians 3:14-21 MSG)
My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!
I Am the Good Shepherd (John 10:9-11)
I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.