A Peace

I woke this morning and just needed my time in my closet. That is my quiet place. Maybe I should spend some time making it more comfortable than just my back against the hard wall staring at the pile of dirty clothes with, but maybe it just lets me concentrate on Him. This sums up perfect the peaceful place I am right now.

Psalm 9

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;
    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.
 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

The cancer is rapidly growing.  Life looks much shorter than we had ever prepared, but my Peace is greater. I want that out there for you, because I want you to know. I want all of you to be thankful for the peace that surrounds me and I want it to begin to penetrate you.

I arrived back from my trip with Audrey and Ethan knew immediately that we had to call the doctor. My trips, the things that were so important, literally came in under the wire. The next morning, we had a procedure for a PleurX drain that will stay in permanently and allow me to drain the fluid from my lungs at home. I was down to a tangerine size area in my lung that was letting me breath. My oxygen stat was below 90 and I was just struggling, but didn’t really realize how bad it was. We went to the hospital for day surgery (hahaha), but because of an infection, I was admitted for 5 days. Ethan will admit that he thought I may not come home, ever. The lungs and breathing began to do better, but my abdomen and pain level were unbearable. A CT was done and the result was that the cancer on my liver is growing rapidly. Two weeks ago, I felt fine. The liver seemed to functioning and it was the lungs that looked more like the main thing to keep our eyes on. Two weeks forward, my liver is enlarged stretching way further across my abdomen than normal. The scare last week was that if it has grown that fast in a few weeks, be prepared for what the next few weeks could look like. We were finally able to get the pain under control and for about a week, I have felt more my normal self. I am on oxygen around the clock which keeps my O2 stats up and my heart rate down. There is a large pump in the corner of the house with a long, annoying tube that follows me everywhere I go. Actually, if it followed me, that would be nice. I have to coil it up and bring it along.

But we have called Hospice. It was more of admin move, get established, meet the nurse. But it is admitting that this is terminal. Admitting that the conversation changes. With friends, with family, with kids, with each other. This is not “if”. This is “when”. Honestly, the “when” looked different last week than it does to me today.  We are preparing for reality. We are talking through things that you never, ever want to even let your mind wander to, much less discuss enough to make real decisions. But everyday that I am up. Everyday that I am driving. Everyday that I am making a lunch, visiting with friends, sweeping the floor (ok, I can’t really do that one anymore), brushing hair, reading books and rubbing feet at night, I thank God. I praise Him for time. I try to consciously remind the girls that we are to recognize this day. For this energy. For this time. And when the time comes that it looks different, He will still be my presence, my peace and I will still stand and praise Him. My heart’s desire is that you will too. Through the grief. Through the disbelief. Through the unthinkable. That you will be filled with His love, know that His love is good and He will be enough.

52 thoughts on “A Peace

  1. Mike read this to me…”When we live for the next life we get this one for free. When we live for this life we get neither one.” C.S. Lewis

    I love being fed by God’s people, and by the lessons they have learned.

    “Father God, show us the way that we may follow you to our eternal home. In the sweet, sweet name of your son and our savior, Jesus, amen.”

    Love you, Julie!

  2. There are no words as you so well know and yet you still provide them here for all of us. You support all of us with your strength and your faith. It is truly awe-inspiring Julie. Thank you once again for taking time…time that is beyond precious to you right now to let all of us know that you are at peace. I will continue to pray for you and for your beautiful family.

  3. Hello Julie, I am a middle school friend of Tiffany Fetter. She used to always speak so nicely of you and I always heard about you. My heart breaks reading these posts. But wanted to let you know How much I admire your strength , courage and devotion to your faith. You have found peace and you’re such an inspiration. Even though you don’t know me, I am thinking of you and your family , friends and your beautiful children during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing and reminding me what is important.

  4. Oh Julie,
    Thank you for your prayers on all of our behalf. Thank you for showing me how to live and how to live with cancer and how to trust tomorrow while living today!!!!
    Prayerfully on your behalf,
    Carol

  5. I hardly know what to say. I was filing loose pictures into albums the other day and found 2 of the little picture books you made us. Those got filed away with all of the other special pictures of the times spent with you, Ethan, and the girls. There is nothing like experiencing God’s peace and I’m so glad you have it. Still praying for you all.

  6. Well said Jules…thank you for sharing your peace with those of us who love you so much!

  7. Praying for constant peace, for you, for all of us. Just know your words are holding us all up, even when you don’t know it or feel it, we press into Him and pray constantly for you guys.

  8. i don’t know you personally but we have so many friends in common, and I worked at Fellowship this past year. Your courage, determination, and peace, I look at with such admiration. I have been praying for you and your family, may peace continue to surround you, and may God hold you and your family in his hands in this time. You have blessed so many.

  9. Julie, I have never met you but I want you to know that I pray for you and your family daily. I love reading about His peace that you have found and I pray that your family and friends will be covered in the peace that only comes from Him. You and your journey have touched my life in a special way. Until we meet some day, I will continue to stand in the gap for you and your precious family.

  10. Thank you for your words, as they are indeed comforting. You are truly selfless in your emotions. I am constantly putting myself in your position and I cannot even begin to imagine. My heart hurts and breaks for you and your family. I continue to fervently pray every night and day for peace and comfort for you and yours. I love you, my sister in Christ.

  11. Julie – I am so sorry that your fight has turned this corner. But, your peace and hope help prop me up when I struggle in my own arenas. So, thank you for opening this window into your journey. Prayers for you all.

  12. Julie – My heart breaks to read this post. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Also, if you haven’t heard of Ally’s Wish Foundation, it might be something to check out. It was founded in honor of a sweet young Mom of 3, Allyson, that faced a brave fight with cancer.

  13. Julie, thank you for taking the time to write your beautiful messages. As we pray for you and your family, we receive so much from you in return. Know that God uses you in powerful ways to minister to all of us who follow your journey and are touched by your words of faith.
    – Sheryl Pierce ( from Sugar Grove)

  14. Hey Julie, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us in this way. You have been honest, thankful and hopeful in times that if it were me, I don’t know that I would have handled it in that way. Your story is a story of what hope truly looks like. It’s a look at this life in an eternal perspective, and you have reminded everyone of that. I hate that this is the turn in your story. I hate cancer and what it does to individuals and families. But, I love God. I love that He is and will hold you for the rest of your days. I will be praying for your pain, all of it, the physical and emotional. I will be praying for your family. May God’s peace that surpasses understanding continue to remain in you.

  15. Julie – I’m one of the mom’s from your former “Wolf Pack” soccer team. While I can’t begin to understand His plan for bringing you home so soon, I am so very thankful to hear you share of His continued provision – trips accomplished and now you are feeling surrounded by His peace that passes all understanding. I am also so very thankful for, and inspired by, your courage and selflessness to share it and encourage others.

    We continue to pray for you and for your family- for peace, for comfort – and that one day when we are in Heaven together, we will be able to see perfectly and rejoice as to how this trial He has called you and your family to endure, will have been redeemed to His glory in ways we cannot being to fathom from our earthly vantage point. Continued prayers for you all.

  16. Our thoughts are with you. You are a brave and remarkable woman. Eshet Chayil woman of valor.
    Love to all,
    Lisa and Rob

  17. My heart sinks as I read your posts. It puts so much of life that we all take for granted into prospective. I pray for peace for you, and without pain. I pray for your sweet family. You inspire me to keep my faith high and live life to the fullest, every.single.day. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. My love and prayers are with you.

  18. Your words are sweet blessings to us, you’re so strong in your faith and selfless. I pray for constant and continued peace for you, the girls, Ethan and all of your family. We love you Julie.

  19. Father you are so Good,
    Julie needs you.
    Thank You for her unwavering faith and her love for You. What Wonderful Peace you have given her.
    Please Bless Ethan, their girls and the rest of the family with what they need during this very difficult time.

    Thank You,
    In the Sweet Name of Jesus

  20. Much love to you. I am glad you have the “peace of God that excells all thought.” Much love to you my “friend in the fight.”

  21. Julie, your words just speak so much peace in the midst of this news. This ugly news. But loudly loudly I hear you saying what we all believe, God wins. His love for us is beyond this earth. No grief we experience here could overshadow the glory we will never understand until we come to our life’s end. Your perspective is admired by me. You and your family are in my prayers. I’ve followed your blog since Noah. I pray God will give you and your family even more than you need even before you know what to ask for.

  22. Dear Julie,
    I have always admired your Mom for her strength and reliance on God, but I have never witnessed reliance on God as I have by following you. To me you are a modern day “Paul” , someone who knows without a doubt who their savior is, and lives like it. I have learned from you what it means to lean on Him, how to praise Him through all of my struggles and how to live like I believe it. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and thank you for pointing us all to our Savior. I love you with the love of The Lord!
    Bonnie Elrod

  23. You have been in my prayers morning and evening for many weeks now. Thank you for the measured time you take to write these precious words, not just for all of us praying for you, but especially for your girls – what an incredible legacy of faith and courage and love and HOPE you have given to all of us. May our faithful God continue to be merciful and generous to you in His love and peace to your beautiful soul!

  24. We continue to pray for you, for your children, for Ethan, for your family. Thank you sharing your faith…it is so incredible and inspiring. Thank you for the reminder to cherish each day, each moment. Your words, your life of trust and devotion to God, is a gift to your family, and all of us who are following your story. Praying for peace for you, HIS peace to continue to surround you and provide you physical and emotional comfort on those difficult days.

  25. Oh Julie! I am so thankful that our merciful God has saturated you with His peace. As the inevitable appears for be drawing near I pray continuously for God to make your pain level tolerable and for His peace to continue to fill you. I love you so much and I continue pray for complete healing!!!!!!
    Krista

  26. Julie,
    Continuously in my thoughts and prayers! It is unreal to think of the life lessons you continue to teach others during this time of your life! I am proud to know such a beautiful and STRONG human being! HUGS to you and your family.

  27. Dear Julie, I am glad that your Peace is greater & that it is surrounding you abundantly! . You are such an inspiration! God Bless you, your girls, adoring husband & whole family. Love & Prayers, Jeanette & David

  28. My heart breaks yet also finds strength through you. You are truly an inspiration.

  29. Praying for you Julie and your precious family! So glad that you are finding peace in God and finding comfort in His words in this hard journey that you’re facing. Since losing my mother in my early 20’s I found great comfort in knowing that her presence was with me. When I hear songs that she’d play for me on the piano I think back to those joyful times and I know that she is near. I encourage you to share these special things with your family so they too will think of you when they see or hear something that was special to you. It really has helped me through the tough times. God bless you!! I admire your strength and courage!

  30. Julie,

    You are so amazing!! I have enjoyed getting to know you in Tennessee and continuing to hear from you time to time after your move. Thank you for providing these snapshots of your life. A mutual friend of ours mentioned your were blogging. Seeing you and how you have kept your faith and humor throughout your struggle is awe inspiring. You are a bright light in a sometimes dark world. Even at my age I still question why someone like you could be put through such pain, but I know its because of your love of Jesus Christ that you have the strength and now peace to overcome. You, Ethan, and the girls are in our prayers!

  31. Beautiful Julie,
    I am in awe of your courage, love, and faith. Thank you for your honesty, your time to let us know what’s happening and how you’re feeling. Thank you for being the most amazing teacher and example of faith and peace. Your light is so bright and you truly are an angel. I love you and am sending prayers to you, Ethan, your beatiful girls and your family.

  32. Thank you Julie for your inspiring post – I am a nurse at MDACC and said hi to you briefly last year after my daughter, Ashley, told me you were a patient there. I will be praying for you and your family… God be with you!

  33. We’ve never met, but Paige Pearson, a faithful, prayerful friend, links to your posts, so I have begun to keep up with you and to be blessed by your writing. May our huge, loving, almighty, amazing Lord bless you today and provide everything you need to be who you need to be today. Praying for you and your family.

  34. Sweet, precious Julie…I am praying for you, Ethan and the girls. You are always such a strong voice of Faith and I’m so sorry that you have had to fight this ugly war. May God Bless you and fill you with peace and love and take away your pain.

    With Love,
    Alanna Napier

  35. Julie, you and your family are in my prayers. I pray for strength for you and your family. You are so strong and many have gained strength and encouragement from your posts.

  36. Julie – I want you to know that I am diligently praying for you, Ethan and your baby girls. Your faith has always inspired me, and ever since I met you in high school, His light has beamed out of you! I didn’t know Him then, but I remember wanting what you had, and how deeply I was affected by your walk with Christ.

    And here I am – still being affected by your faithfulness and walk with Christ. You exemplify that Peace that passes understanding. Since I read your update yesterday, I just keep going back to Joshua 1:9 – “Be strong and courageous… the Lord Your God goes with you wherever you go”. THAT’S YOU, Julie. You are SO strong and INCREDIBLY courageous, and you continually reflect that He is with you… At home in your closet. On trips with your girls. During chemo. I praise God that I know, Julie Eller Whaley. He has used you in my life, I am eternally grateful. Sending love and hugs to you from PA. Xoxo You are loved.

  37. Julie girl…I love the way you say things. Your heart shines through the computer and it’s easy to see how much you love God…and how much He loves you. I am so thankful you feel peace and not fear. I am thankful you are surrounded by such a loving host of friends and family. And, I am thankful I can call you my friend. My Tater is at camp this week with your super cool brother, Steve. Our lives have intersected amidst the most difficult circumstances, yet I know it was not by chance. May each day be filled with just enough for you. You are right, He is enough and He’ll see you through it all. Much love. Many, many prayers.

  38. You are an amazing testament and servant to His plan. We are praying for you all.

  39. Dearest Julie, you have never met me. I am a breast cancer survivor, but my son lost his battle at age 32 to leukemia. I was so overcome with grief just a few days before his passing that he said to me, ” Mom don’t worry about me. Jesus Christ walks by my side and God is in my heart,” . His words were a great comfort. While he was dying he told us all to be quiet because ” I am in transition and it is very beautiful!”. Right after he passed over, my husband , daughter, and daughter in law were all crying when my grand daughter who was only six months old at the time began to giggle in her little baby laugh and smile and look up on the ceiling right over the door frame. She laughed so hard that she got hiccups. She could see someone that the rest of us couldn’t see and it was so bazaar because the rest of us were crying. We all still think that it was my son, her uncle, who was making her laugh as he was saying goodbye to us. A better life continues for those of us who love Jesus. I am hoping for an earthly miracle for you, but praise The Lord my dear sweet Julie……the best is yet to come. God bless and give you confidence, hope, faith, love and peace!

  40. God bless you Julie and thank you. May Christ’s peace continue to comfort you. Your girls had a great week at VBS. Extra prayers were said for each of them. You and your family will always be in my prayers.

  41. Oh dear Julie, the way you have shared yourself, your life story, your conviction and your faith is such a gift to all of those who have been fortunate enough to know you, and to know of you. Your incredible ability to choose the perfect words and to put them together so honestly, has changed me and I will forever be grateful. As a wife and as a mother of girls, I am humbled by your steadiness, by the way you provide peace and comfort to those around you, by the way you continue to lead by example, by the way you give even when you would be so justified in just receiving. You have managed to make living an entire life in such a deliberate and authentic way so effortless, which is something that many people struggle to do, even for a day. Your girls won the Mom lottery with you, and I thank you for allowing us a window into your world. You will forever be present. As we continue to pray for you, your husband and your beautiful daughters, I thank you.

  42. I will continue to pray for your peace and comfort now, and for your girls and Ethan, always. Your faith inspires me and makes me want to do more and more in the name of Jesus. Thank you Julie.

  43. Julie, I don’t know if you remember me, but we had a Bible Study together at FCCC about 10 years ago. I’m praying for you and your family, for strength to face these days ahead and relief from pain. And more time with your girls and your husband and your friends and family. And comfort when the time comes. Your words give such peace and hope.

  44. Precious Julie…I have learned so much from you about many things! What an inspiration you are! I loved you when you were here with us at ACU and in club…What fun we had! I love you even more now, and I am so thankful that you share your walk with us all….You strengthen our faith as we lean on our Lord together always. Blessings on you and your precious family….

  45. As I read through some of these comments, it makes me so proud of the person that you are, Julie. We are all in awe of you and your faith…it’s indescribable. My heart is full of love for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story and your walk with The Lord. It has inspired me personally, and many, many others. Praying for continued peace and comfort for all of you.

  46. What an amazing gift you have shared with all who know you. You are building a legacy of faith and hope that your family and everyone who knows you will remember forever. No matter what the days ahead are for you – all of our days are numbered – you are a gift. Even though we haven’t seen each other in years, I have followed your story – for years and have prayed for you. Thank you for sharing your walk with the world! For however long you have on this side of heaven, I pray you will be strengthened and encouraged and that you will have unspeakable moments of joy! xoxo

  47. Julie,

    I just read this. I have to say that it does not seem real. Our family prays for yours every day. I know I have said this before, but I will say it again. You are one of the most inspirational people I have met — so down-to-earth, yet so full of wisdom, strength and courage. It has been an absolute pleasure and blessing to have known you. You have taught me so much in such a short time just by sharing your struggle with me. Thank you for that. You are touching lives in ways you do not even know. May God bless you and comfort you like never before in the coming days.

    Love,
    Neisha

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