When Moses asked God who he was to say sent him to Pharaoh, God responded tell him it is I AM. I always thought that just meant he is the I AM – that’s enough, its Me.. God. But it means that He will be whatever Moses needs him to be. If you need miraculous signs – I AM. You need me to interrupt nature and part the sea – I AM. You need food and water in the desert – I AM. I AM everything you will need to accomplish this task.
God did say he would bring them into the land, but the Israelites had to fight for it. They were not expected to do it on their own strength, but with God’s strength. He says,”I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you.” God would help them by bringing down the walls of Jericho, he would give them strategies to defeat the enemy, he would empower them, but they had to obey and fight.
This encourages me to trust that God is still my I AM. I AM your protector. I AM your toxic cleanser. I AM your medicine. I AM your strength at the end of the day. I AM your strategy giver. I AM your Father. I can be everything you need to accomplish this task.
In the last 2 weeks, I have made the decision to stop chemo (for now). I have met with too many people and have too many opinions to sort through. We have decided that a radical diet change is the best way to get my immune system jump started and let my own God-created body try to fight this cancer. The cancer is smart, getting smarter. It can dismiss drugs and leave itself completely unaltered. But my own body… it was designed to fight these abnormalities. My prayer is that God will allow me to stay well enough, long enough to fight this internally.
Maybe for some, I look like I am fighting. I am taking this in stride and giving it my all. But it is hard. I love Mighty Fine. I love Chick-fil-A. I love lunches with my husband and quick easy dinners when I’m tired. But now my life is planned. I have to always have on hand what I can eat and be prepared to cook a dinner worthy of this diet. That is hard. And honestly, I am angry at what I am now eating. I’m angry that the pleasures of food have been taken away. (I don’t actually crave roasted broccoli for a snack) I’m angry it takes so much prep and money to eat this way. I’m angry that there is not just one way to do this and everyone has a suggestion – only clouding the water for us. I am trying to do this on my own and not letting God be my I AM. You need me to take away your cravings? I AM. You need me to help with strategies? I AM. You need me to interrupt the way your body is working to fight the cancer. I AM. But in the same breath as I am letting God be everything I need, like the Israelites, I still have to fight. I have to go to the store. I have to cut the veggies. I have to make a plan for dinner. I have to look at this as an opportunity to fight this cancer. It is going to take work and dedication and perseverance. The PET scans show cancer in all my bones, and surrounding the right lung. There are spots on the liver and it appears that things have progressed in the last few months. It is hard to measure bc it is so wide spread. I just glow all over in the scan. I will stick to a detox and a harsh diet for the next 30 days and we will rescan. My prayer is that there will be signs that this is working. My prayer is that God will reward this hard work, this fight, with a new HOPE, and that there will always be grace to take the next step.
Thank you all for your words, you donations, your cards. I have taken 2 trips with my girls and have just Audrey’s left. I will try to get the pics up here for you to see. The love and support is indescribable. It is only from God. I am blessed to receive it.